Do Not Recreate the One True Way
Fun fact; I am naturally submissive. It’s part of me, I can’t erase it, and ignoring it would be corrosive to my well-being. I *am capable* of being “in charge” of myself and others when needed, but it’s a MASSIVE EFFORT. I’m always more inclined to listen to a trusted leader. This is most evident in my dynamic with my life-partner but it’s also true in other aspects of my life.
Unfun Fact; I often feel out of place and uncomfortable in kink community spaces because of the above fact.
"I understand the human impulse to keep existing structures in place, only altering them so much as to include or prioritize your own experiences and identity. But I think the kink community can do better than that."
There is no "one way" to kink
How many times have you heard blanket statements like “I submit to my Dom and ONLY to my Dom because I’m not a doormat” or “‘real submissives’ are strong, independent, and in control in many aspects of their lives and submitting is a choice they make, which takes a lot of effort” ? Because I hear things like that at least a few times a week. It’s getting a little tiresome, so I figured that I would mention it here.
To be clear I think that “I submit to my Dom and only to my Dom” and “Submitting is a choice that I make and it takes a lot of effort” are perfectly good and valid ways to express one’s personal relationship with submission. It’s the implication that they are *the only way* that anyone could reasonably or healthily relate to submission that gets my goat.
creating a more inclusive community
I understand the human impulse to keep existing structures in place, only altering them so much as to include or prioritize your own experiences and identity. But I think the kink community can do better than that.
If you find yourself re-creating the One True Way with different branding, please take a step back and consider that validating your own experiences and identity doesn’t need to involve throwing other people under the bus. We are a diverse community, and I think that embracing the “choose your own adventure” style of kink and D/s can only lead to a more positive experience where more people feel at home.
Our resident sunshine goblin, Thia has been working for Restrained Grace full time since January as brand raconteur and community manager of The Backroom. They are a collared lifestyle submissive, a jack-of-all-trades writer, and a self professed goblin socialite. They are based in San Francisco, where they enjoy Queer Karaoke Nights, Shakespeare discourse with anyone who will sit still for it, and hanging out with their beloved spouse and two children.