Self-Ownership: Where do I start?

Welcome to the Self Owned Sub Club! 

Self Ownership is a newer concept within the BDSM community that empowers submissive people who don't have a Dominant in their life to provide leadership. It's about taking control of your own life the way a Dom would have you do. It's about self-care, personal growth, building up your own self-worth and self-love, and finding personal joy. I'm so excited that you're on a self-ownership journey! With this blog series, I'm offering guidance for self-owned submissives at any stage, based on my own personal experiences.
Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or counselor. I'm not licensed, and I'm not giving hard and fast advice or specifics as far as HOW you go about self-ownership - it should be tailored to each individual. I will discuss what I've learned to help me re-wire my brain to take better care of myself and love myself more. I'll share my personal experiences and links to outside resources.

So you wanna love yourself more

Self-love is harder to come by than Pinterest memes lead you to believe, and it's not your fault if you don't love yourself. Hell, it's not your fault if you hate yourself, either. The truth is, you are going to struggle if you jump right into trying to love yourself more, spiritually. In fact, self-love, and self-esteem aren't even gonna come into play until step four.
We aren't even gonna talk about loving yourself more until we've made sure you've eaten, had enough water, had a shower, and a change of clothes. It's not coming up before you've connected with friends or family. And it's not coming up before you unpack any shame or guilt you're carrying around thinking systemic issues are personal failures.
Because self-love and self-esteem are human needs, yes. But they're much more difficult, if not impossible to achieve, if your more basic human needs aren't met first.

Girl, that sounds like a lot

Yeah, I never said it was easy. Submission isn't easy, why would self-ownership be? We are here to do the work it'll take to have the life you want, right?
It's taken me years of practice to learn how to meet my needs, and I still struggle. Because I am also late-realized autistic, and living with C-PTSD, I had to learn these things the hardest way - after I'd already burned out. But I promise any work you do is going to be worth it.

Kink is Custom, even when it's solo

I'm going to talk about meeting all your needs, from the bottom up, and you can skip any part that doesn't apply to you. After all, this is you building a dynamic with yourself. You are negotiating rules with yourself instead of a Dom. For example, if you wouldn't give over control of what you eat to a Dom, then it's apt to skip any advice on self-ownership when it comes to food or eating.
I won't be adamant that you try every tactic I've tried, or that you even try self-ownership my way. My goal is to provide a framework that you can fill in to create a self-ownership dynamic that doesn't trigger you, but still pushes you toward your goals.

1 thought on “Self-Ownership: Where do I start?


I am really excited to learn more! I have been tossing this idea around for a while to own myself and give myself more of what I need before doing anything with a Dom. Ive been struggling with it, for sure, but it sounds like a really interesting idea to love myself more and to better myself. Cant wait to read more!

August 23, 2023 at 16:58pm

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